The conversation
The conversation

*silence*

Hello?

Hello? Are you God?

Yes indeed, why do ya need me, scott?

How do know…? Well anyways, listen, I don’t need you. I am just too tired. I needed someone to talk to…. Yeah, I guess I need you.

Well, I am all ears then.

I don’t know man, I don’t know what to talk about, you start, I’ll join

It’s you who called, son!

Yeah, I just needed someone to talk to. I am tired of talking to myself all day. I am tired of taking the shit all by myself. To hell with your knowing my inner-self. I have already known myself enough, there is nothing else to know about. I am just too confused all the time. Can I ask you something?

Go ahead

Can I die? Like a peaceful one. I really need to restart¬†stuffs. I don’t wanna go back in time. I fucked up things. Can I have a fresh start from the beginning. All I want is another start.

You can start doing everything right from tomorrow, if you need it badly

No, you don’t understand. There’s no way I can undone those mistakes, those decisions, it already happened. I can’t change anything now.

Trust me, you can. It’ll hurt your ego. You have to lose, and lose yourself a bit, but you can if you really want to.

These are easy to say. I changed myself a lot. I tore up myself and rebuilt everytime I took a hit. I am exhausted now. I can’t do it anymore. You don’t know what happened.

I know, absolutely.

*sigh*

Have you ever felt like you are falling? You are falling and you know there is no one down there to catch you, to hold you, to keep you warm? Have you ever felt lonely?

No! I don’t. I used to think like there is someone. But not now, I felt like I’m fallin’, but never thought that some one is there keeping the track of me. Whenever I feel low, I cry and go to sleep. Then I just forget and forgive when I wake up.

Why do you think that there is no one?

Coz I know! There might be someone, but I don’t expect her to be there for me! It’s me who’s falling. Why there has to be someone fucking waiting.

I don’t know, you tell me. You just mentioned ‘her’, you didn’t notice.

Yeah whatever, him/her. It doesn’t matter. The point is I don’t care. I don’t give a damn shit. You know what, the more I grow older, the more I’m running out of shits to give.

Is it you don’t care or you know nobody cares. May be you’re just trying to win over yourself.

Probably. Yeah, may be you are right. Or may be wrong, who knows?

Yes, exactly! no one knows. It’s you who are falling. Have you ever thought, why you’re falling? What made you falling?

Listen, I¬†am just too tired and confused. First I was tired of all those fucking decisions I needed to make. I was¬†tired of making balance to everything, making everyone happy, making decisions based on what people would think. I was thinking that I could keep my reputation safe all the way to the grave. But now finally when I started to give absolutely zero fuck to absolutely anything, I am getting sick of myself. Its not that I hate myself. I am the only person who loves me, I just can’t love myself back. All the time my voice is ringing inside my head. I wish I had someone else to talk to. You know what I mean? No not her. I hate her, I absolutely do, I don’t know why. Its like I hate everyone now, not in front of their face. I can’t just talk harsh to them. I am still a nice guy to everybody. And I am tired of that too. I am tired of being a nice guy every time. I am tired of acting like a nice guy. I am tired of hiding my face to another non-existent inner self all the time. Why I can’t just say to go fuck themselves on their faces. Probably I still do worry about keeping my reputation to the grave. I hate when people start talking, I fear they will start describing their fucking problem, which they don’t do most of time, but still I do fear. Anyways people talk to me and I pretend like I am interested and listening, which I am not. I just nod and smile in reply, without getting anything at all, wishing¬†they would just die, chock on their bullshits coming out of their fucking mouth. But people are nice. I expect them to be assholes, but most of the time they turn out to be really nice. I know¬†I am the one who is the asshole. Damn, I’m just too tired. I wish I was really a nice person, like from inside. I wish I could talk to people like everyone else. I wish I don’t have this dilemma to judge people even before they open their mouth. I wish there was nothing wrong with me. I wish I could have to take less decisions and live more. I wish I had someone to make decisions for me and seek nothing in return. I wish I had a checkpoint to start again. I wish………

You wish?

*silence*

You there?

*silence*

I think I can make this one wish true. Sleep well, child!

About the author

Scientific History Blog Writer ‚ÄĘ Art enthusiast and Illustrator ‚ÄĘ Amateur Photographer ‚ÄĘ Biker and Hiker ‚ÄĘ Beer Enthusiast ‚ÄĘ Electrical Engineer ‚ÄĘ Chicago

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